Renovo Memoria
by mileouttahell
Summary: Halloween night of Harry's sixth year, he ventures onto Hogwarts grounds, where he runs across a living memory of Remus Lupin.


BOOK FIVE SPOILERS! I imagine everyone's read it by now, but on the off-chance you haven't, there you go. This fic will spoil you for OotP.  
  
People who said it hurt less over time were full of bullshit, I decide, stabbing my fork angrily into my plate of pasta. The fact that no one seems to notice how much I hurt only makes me angrier... Hermione is babbling away about the book she's managing to read while she eats; Ron is transfixed with Hermione.  
  
Huh. Some friends.  
  
Time doesn't make it better. Time only reminds you of what you once had with someone. Summer makes me think of the first time I heard Sirius's name. School makes me think of Sirius trying to break into the dorms, to protect me from Pettigrew. A child he'd never seen since I was a baby. And then he died protecting me.  
  
There's nothing in this bloody castle that doesn't make me think of him.  
  
Neville catches my eye across the table and gives me a sympathetic glance. Okay, he might understand a little. But he lost his parents when he was a baby. It hurts me that I never knew my parents, but it's not the same as the deep ache of losing someone I'd had time to love. And maybe others had died in front of him, but they'd never been torn out of this world before their time...  
  
Hermione waves "Moons and Magic: Muggle Misinterpretations of the Wizarding World" around excitedly, babbling about something she'd just read.  
  
"Halloween is frequently misunderstood by Muggles. They seem to believe that dead relatives are more likely to appear on that day," Hermione narrates for us. As if we cared. "In fact, any dead person who is not already a ghost will not make an appearance on Halloween.  
  
"The true nature of the holiday is thus: Memories are particularly strong on this day, as it signals the end of the lunar year and thus signals beginnings and endings - the reliving of old memories and the beginning of the creation of new ones.  
  
"One can relive one's most happy memory on this day - all one needs is a quiet location and the proper incantation," she said, excitedly. I can already tell she's planning on trying it. Lucky Halloween is only a few days away, or she'd drive us all bananas with her over-preparation before then.  
  
As for me, I have no happy memories. The best memory I have is Sirius asking me to live with him, and even that's been torn away from me. How can that be a happy memory when I now know that it'll never happen? And it's all my fault. I don't deserve a happy memory...  
  
I bypass the Halloween feast; it'll only annoy me to see everyone else happy when I can't be. Uncharitable of me, but I suspect they'd all feel the same in my position. I walk outside - I shouldn't be out here, numerous people would have a fit if they knew - but I don't care. No one will ever know. Hermione's off trying her spell. Ron's off pouting because she wouldn't let him go with her (I suspect it's because her happiest memory has to do with him, though she'll never admit it). Ginny and Luna won't notice my absense. Neville might, but he won't say anything.  
  
So I stroll onto Hogwarts grounds, heading towards Whomping Willow, acting as though I belong here. And I do. No one likes to be cooped up all the time. We all belong out running free.  
  
An area I expect to be unoccupied isn't. Professor - Er, Remus- is standing near it, though out of range of the willow. Why? It's not the full moon (in fact, that event just passed a few days ago, as is evidenced by the especially beat-up look he has). And why be on Hogwarts grounds in the first place? Well - probably on Order business. I debate whether to go say hello when Remus raises his wand, speaking a brief incantation. "Renovo memoria!"  
  
The surrounding area melts and changes. The waning moon in the sky changed to a waxing one; the flowers change position; some of the surrounding trees shrink noticably. Remus's features change; he loses an inch or so of height, his wrinkles melt away, and the gray disappears from his hair as it becomes more lustrous. Three figures suddenly appear out of the darkness. I recognize them all immediately- they are the three people I miss most in the world.   
  
My parents look exactly as they do in pictures - I can feel my heart clenching in my chest. It's almost like looking into a mirror to look at this memory of my dad. Sirius creates an even more painful sensation in my heart and soul. He's younger, with more laughter and less pain in his eyes. He doesn't look haunted - I had never quite pinpointed this in pictures before, though I'd always known there was something different in the eyes of the Sirius I've met. This Sirius doesn't seem to have a care in the world - or the cares he does have don't truly weigh on him.  
  
My dad and Sirius are laughing boisterously; Mum's trailing behind Dad, looking as though she's torn between slugging both of them and laughing along with them.   
  
"Honestly, you two. When will you ever stop scaring the first years?" she scolds, though there's no bite in her voice.  
  
"When you stop nagging us about it," Sirius replies, rather tongue in cheek.  
  
"Ooooh, you!" Mum stamps her foot.  
  
Remus grins, clearly amused as he observes the three of them. I find it interesting that his most treasured memory lacks Peter. I wonder if this is coincidental, or if Peter's absense is one of the reasons he remembers this particular time so happily.  
  
I would have expected Remus to be central to the memory. After all, the world always seems to revolve around you. But instead, everything seems to revolve around Sirius. Ha, wouldn't he be glad to know that things really do revolve around him... I don't know if things have always been this way for Remus, or if it's because Sirius's death is so recent that Remus is focusing on him. Or maybe Sirius demands that kind of attention from his friends.  
  
"Peter's still sick, huh?" Mum asks sympathetically of Dad.  
  
"Well, he's stopped puking purple stuff, so now Madam Pomfrey says he just needs to rest. Ooooh, that Snape, I'll get him for this one," Sirius says, cracking his knuckles.  
  
"Awww, come on, you guys," Remus says. "We didn't come out here to talk about him."  
  
"That's right!" Sirius declares, whipping out bottles of butterbeer from God-knows-where. "We came out here to party!"  
  
Mum and Remus both roll their eyes, but they wear identical amused smiles that say, "these are the people we love the most."  
  
Dad and Sirius are both grinning unremorsefully. Sirius hands everyone a butterbeer as Dad fiddles with a small device he's put on the ground. It appears to be some sort of wizard radio, since Dad speaks and incantation and a lively swing dance starts. Dad immediately grabs Mum's hands; she laughs and shakes her head, but after a moment allows him to begin leading her. It's apparent that she's fairly new at this, as Dad has to stop every few moments to show her how to do something.  
  
Sirius and Remus are both watching at the moment, but after a minute, Sirius starts looking antsy. "C'mon, Moony, I feel left out," he says, turning puppy eyes on Remus. Remus just grins and shakes his head. "Stop with the big eyes routine, Sirius...that one only works on the Hufflepuff girls...Sirius!" he bites off a laugh as Sirius grabs his hands despite his protests and drags him away from a couple of bushes so they'll have more room. As soon as Sirius starts the basic step, Remus gives in with a slight crinkle at the corners of his eyes and twirls Sirius out with a quick flourish.  
  
It's immediately apparent that as a pair they're far better than Mum and Dad. They look like the sort of duo you'd expect to see on television or something and they know all kinds of tricks. Sirius seems to be enjoying himself immensely, taking his time to make every flourish and twirl as elaborate as possible.  
  
Sooner than I would have liked, the song ends and the scene begins to melt away. I find myself raising my hand towards Sirius, almost as if I could keep him there. If I thought I could, I would have done anything. I think I realize for the first time a little of what Slytherin house is about. I would give and do anything if it would have brought Sirius back to my side.  
  
"Harry, come here," Remus's voice speaks suddenly and I jump.   
  
I slink out of the forest, slightly embarrassed to have been intruding on such a personal memory and to have been caught at it. "Sorry..." I say. "How did you know I was there?"  
  
Remus taps his nose. "Enhanced sense of smell. What are you doing out of the castle?" There's a hint of reprimand and worse, concern, that makes me feel slightly guilty.  
  
But if anyone will understand, it'll be Remus. "I couldn't stand it in there anymore," I reply, a hint of sullenness entering my voice. I realize I sound like a whiny little prat, but I find it very hard to care.  
  
"Harry, let me give you a bit of advice that I've had to find for myself. Death never gets any easier to deal with, but you can't go on remembering how Sirius and Cedric died. You have to remember the happiest times, when they were truly alive. I didn't stop what I was doing because I felt you needed to see that. That memory was what Sirius was about, not what you saw of him those last months, when he was cooped up with his mother in that horrid house. I guarantee you that behind that veil, Sirius and James and Lily and even Cedric are all watching you and they're all blinking mad because you're sulking about."  
  
"But-" I start.  
  
"Harry, I'm not saying you don't have a right to grieve, and you need time. But I want you to think about it, okay?" He glances at me out of the corner of his eye. "I'll be back out here to get you in half an hour. I'll let you alone until then." Without saying anything further, he turns and heads up the path towards the castle.  
  
Was Remus right? I consider. Sometimes, there's only one way to find out. I raise my wand. "Renovo memoria!" And around me, the world begins to melt away.... 


End file.
